L's birthday

I snuck into L’s room Monday morning, surprising her awake with a gift bag.  She excitedly opened the present to find a new outfit and immediately donned it for her birthday.  We got ready for school, including a piece of carrot cake with a birthday candle and yogurt for breakfast.  And she was thrilled with the giant bag of suckers daddy had bought for her to take to school and share with friends as her birthday treat.

Mondays are L’s busiest day, so as usual, she had to hurry from school to dance to piano and back to dance.  But she was eager to take treats to her friends and show off baby Z at piano lessons.  (It’s a group lesson so I attend with her as her coach.)  After her lessons were over, Husband and I picked her up from the dance studio and we took her out for a birthday dinner date.  We went to a local restaurant to celebrate.  She ambitiously ordered a full rack of ribs (to share) and thoroughly enjoyed making a mess of them.  She opened two more gifts from us (a new lego set and her new scriptures) and a gift from Grammy (an outfit and a watch).  She was so excited about the presents and especially pleased with her new scriptures.  We spent some time turning through them and admiring them.  She loved the case we picked out for her and almost squealed in delight when she found her name engraved on the scriptures and mini hymn book.

We finished dinner and debating over gelato flavors, eventually ordering three flavors to share (so delicious).  And then returned home for a late night cuddle and bedtime, excited to continue celebrating at her baptism in two weeks!

Easter 2016

With a less-than-one-week-old baby, Easter was a wonderfully lazy and laid back holiday at home.

Grammy took the girls home with her on Friday night so they could attend a cousin’s birthday dinner.  I knew I couldn’t handle the two hour drive very well unfortunately.  I still have some discomfort from delivery, especially the torn ligament and lingering back pain from carrying that cute boy around for months.  So baby Z and I stayed home.  Originally Husband was going to go north with them but his work had sudden complications and he stayed home to work out some details. 

On Saturday morning, husband left to fill in for me at the neighborhood Easter egg hunt.  It’s an annual event that I initiated and have had a lot of fun coordinating.  This year I debating not doing it but ended up unable to resist.  So I got most the plans in motion and turned it over to a committee.  But husband was so wonderful to go Saturday morning to help set up and emcee the event.  As always, it turned out great.

Meanwhile, the girls had spent the night at Grammy and Papa’s house and got to go to their local egg hunt.  They came home with a pile of full size candy bars and eager to see baby again.  Apparently in the chaos, L’s age group ended up with only about half the eggs they were supposed to have.  She managed to get three eggs but generously gave two of them away to other little girls that didn’t get any.  I love her so much!  After the egg hunt and a few errands, they made it home in time for A and E to go to a friend’s birthday party while L watched a chick flick with Grammy and me.  We spent the evening eating pizza and decorating Easter eggs, with all the girls sporting their colorful bunny ears I had dug out of storage.

Sunday morning, I slept in a little while husband watched an animated living scriptures about the resurrection.  Once we were all awake and ready, the girls rushed downstairs to find their Easter baskets.  The girls were delighted with their treats, new sandals and especially their new earrings and a journal for each of them.  They loved the Tonka truck for baby Z and eagerly tore into the Shopkins toys they received.  We made daddy eggs and cinnamon rolls for breakfast and then readied for church.  Baby Z and I stayed home, away from the germs, but we still got dressed up for a family picture after church.  As the girls took turns showering, they helped with one more Easter project—making bird nest treats with rice krispy treats and mini eggs.

While husband and the girls were at Primary, Grammy and I put together our Easter feast with ham, rolls, cheesy twice baked potatoes, veggies, deviled eggs, pink pears and sunshine pudding.  We baked a carrot cake but were so full from dinner and surrounded by Easter candy that I finished frosting the cake and then put it in the fridge to eat as breakfast all week.  J

Grammy and Papa had to leave right after dinner but Grandpa arrived soon.  He brought Easter gift for the girls: baskets with more candy and a few trinkets.  Plus Grandpa brought large mystery boxes.  The girls dove into them, delighted to find a new ukulele for each of them.

Lastly, we visited the cemetery, meeting husband’s brother there.  We spent a few minutes at Grandma’s headstone and had family prayer.  Then we lounged at Grandpa’s house for a little while, watching Hop and letting baby Z get to snuggle his new uncle.

milestone 8, 6.5, 4.5 and 1 week

L, Age 8

Favorite color: red and turquoise

Favorite food: ribs, pizza, asparagus, cucumbers, strawberries

Favorite treat: suckers

Favorite movie: Matilda, Princess Diaries, chick flicks

Favorite book: Diary of a Wimpy Kid

Favorite activities: reading

Favorite toys: tablet

Favorite animal: lion, tiger

What I want to be when I grow up: animal rescuer  

I dream about: being an animal rescuer, being a hero like a police woman

I worry about: my family

I’m good at: reading, dance, writing

I want to be better at: writing in my journal

Someday I want to: go to Alaska, Hawaii or Texas

I’m thankful for: family

I like it best when: its summer! Or when I’m reading

Makes mom melt:

I love listening to her play piano.  She doesn’t love practicing every morning but it makes me melt when I wake up to hear her practicing already.  She loves the jazz pieces best while I love the classical pieces.  My latest favorites include the song she is preparing for her upcoming baptism and the lullaby she learned for the baby.

I love watching her dance, she is natural gracefully and expresses the music with her long extensions or crazy energy.  In fact, she often can’t stop dancing—both a blessing and a curse.

I love listening to her read and am amazed at how easily it comes to her.  When I’ve got my hands full at night, I’ve occasionally asked her to read from the chapter book to sisters and she does with ease.  She claims to struggle with learning Spanish but every time I hear her speak, it seems to come so easy for her.  She already speaks more fluidly than I ever could.

She has such a naturally generous personality.  She wants to spoil her sisters and friends and loves to give gifts.  It can drive me crazy as she can be really persistent with little understanding of the cost of such generosity but I’m trying to honor that gift in her.

A, Age 6.5

Favorite color: white (it changes often)

Favorite food: noodles

Favorite treat: ice cream

Favorite movie: Ninja Turtles, Odd Squad, Ever After High

Favorite book: Barbie Mermaid Tale

Favorite activities: games (Cupcake Race, Guess Who animals), riding my scooter

Favorite toys: barbies, play dough, legos

Favorite animal: cheetas

What I want to be when I grow up: vet

I dream about: ice skating

I worry about: baby brother

I’m good at: art, taking care of brother

I want to be better at: ice skating, reading

Someday I want to: go back to Legoland

I’m thankful for: brother, daddy

I like it best when: I play with my dad, we play games and build legos together.

Makes mom melt:

            Possibly her greatest gift is her imagination.  Coupled with her friendly and irresistible personality, she can get anyone to play with her.  I love listening to her and her sisters play; they come up with incredible, over dramatic adventures that are so thoroughly entertaining.

            She is so sincerely and sweet affectionate.  Her love language is clearly “touch” and we’ve often joked about her being our “class 10 clinger”.  It can be really smothering if at the wrong time and so wonderfully sweet other times.  She absolutely dotes on her baby brother and is so gentle and eager to help me with him.

            She is incredibly helpful!  I rely on her so much.  We’ve been trying more and more to turn chores over to the girls, letting them earn an allowance and to help lessen my load.  She is so reliable and willing, rarely complaining when I ask her to do a chore.

E, Age 4.5

Favorite color: blue and pink

Favorite food: ramen, daddy eggs

Favorite treat: smarties, chocolate

Favorite movie: Cinderella, Aladdin, Super Why

Favorite book: Good Night Butterfly

Favorite activities: play with baby, watch movies

Favorite toys: little people princesses, barbies

Favorite animal: pandas

What I want to be when I grow up: dance teacher

I dream about: Penny (her stuffed animal panda) is alive

I worry about: taking care of Penny

I’m good at: dancing, singing

I want to be better at: teaching baby, riding a bike

Someday I want to: go to Disney

I’m thankful for: my family

I like it best when: I’m at the park

Makes mom melt:

            She is so unbelievably charming and sweet.  I’ve joked that she is a little monster we created ourselves because she is so charismatic and she knows it!  She’s mischievous and charming with an infectious smile.

            I love listening to the stories she makes up and especially her songs.  The plot or topics wander all over.

Z, 1 week old

Amazing that at one week old, such a small person can have such a personality already.

Dear baby Z,

You are such a good baby.  You are so tiny and sweet and I can’t get enough of your newborn perfection.  You love to be swaddled and hate your crib.  You fall asleep easily in my arms, especially when nursing but if I try to lay you down on a flat surface, you wake up crying within minutes.  This means you have spent most nights sleeping on me.  It makes me nervous to get into this habit because you are so tiny but it’s the only way you will sleep.  We are slowly trying to get you to sleep in the bouncy chair for a few hours every night (as much as you’ll let us).  I think you’ll be a cluster feeder, nursing several times close together and then having a longer stretch—now if only we could get those longer stretches to happen at night. 

You are changing so much, so fast.  I love your silky skin and especially how you cuddle up like a little tree frog against me.  Your eyes are so dark and pensive, I can’t wait to see what color they will be.  You look most like your sister A so far with your darker skin tone and strong features. 

Your sisters are crazy about you and beg for the chance to hold you.  I’m very grateful for their eager help and proud of how careful they are with you.  Last night you cried in the car and all three of them sang, gently trying to calm you and so anxious that you were upset. 

I can’t believe how much I love you already.  I can spend hours just staring at you and love to hold you.

Please don't grow up too fast.  I want to soak in and cherish every moment.  You are such a good, sweet baby and I'm so thoroughly in love with you.

love, mom

quote of the day

after our first night at home, E asked "mom, is the baby going to cry every night?"

yes.  yes he will.  at least for awhile.

birth story

We arrived at the hospital at 7:30 am for our scheduled induction at 39+2 weeks.  Grandpa had come over to spend the day with the girls who had eagerly sent us off with kisses.  Husband made breakfast sandwiches for us while I nervously showered and finished packing.  We arrived, checked in, got settled into a room, chatted with the doc and started an IV of pitocin.  I was 2.5 cm and only 50% effaced.  When induced with the girls, I was at least 3 cm and 80%.  So I already knew I was “behind” and hoped for less than 12 hours til baby’s arrival (L was 12 hours, A was 10 hours, E was 14 hours—all induced with pitocin/breaking my water but delivered with no complications and no epidural).  The nurse and my doc were very supportive of our plans for a natural childbirth, especially since I’ve had adverse reactions to various medications and didn’t want to risk having one now.  By 9 am, the pitocin was on and I started having regular contractions but wasn’t dilated enough to break my water.  So we waited.  We talked, organized our gear again, listening to relaxing music, lounged in the bathtub and eventually started a movie. 

We shared a particularly poignant moment during that time, feeling his mom very close and mindful of us.  She passed away last January and initially I struggled with the loss more than I would have expected.  The decision to have another baby was very healing to me, perhaps it was accepting our “new normal” or just because it was the energy and excitement.  We’ve often joked about her “getting up there” and insisting on talking to whoever she had to talk to about a grandson.

At noon, I was still shy of 4 cm.  Doc broke my water and by the end of the movie, the contractions required my concentration and deliberate breathing but really weren’t difficult.  I felt the pain in my lower back and into my hips so we tried laboring in the shower.  Husband held the hot spray against my back, patiently supporting me.  The intensity increased so we tried the birthing ball, the bed, a chair, even a birthing bar but I never lasted very long, always so uncomfortable.  I was slowly admitting to myself that this was a very different laboring experience and I wasn’t sure why or even how to vocalize that acknowledgement.  By 2:30 ish, I was miserable and discouraged.  The intensity was overwhelming, I was shaking through the contractions and trying to explain to the nurse how I felt, begging to understand why it was different.  I felt significant pain that lasted during contractions and continued between them, radiating through my hip and low into my pelvic bones.  I second guessed myself, perhaps it was because I’m older or because I have to admit I was less prepared in comparison to the girls’ births.  She suggested baby might be face up, which accounts for the difference in the intensity and location of pain.  She checked me again—I was 5 cm and it was only 2:30.

I was so discouraged and fighting for focus and control.  I started to worry that I would resent this experience because it was so much more difficult than previous births.  I worried that if I was already struggling to focus and only 5 cm, how miserable I would be during transition.  With considerable disappointment, I asked about an epidural.  I had to talk through the procedure and expectation more than once I think to understand and reconcile.  I was so disappointed that I was already “giving up”—not so much disappointed that I needed pain relief but that I had done this before without and wondered what I was doing wrong/differently to need it.  I’m pretty sure I cried admitting that I didn’t want to do it anymore.  My amazing husband reminded me not to compare to anything else, but focus on what I needed in that moment and that was all that mattered.  Our nurse complimented him more than once and joked he should have been a midwife, he was the best labor coach she had ever seen.  He continually coached my breathing, encouraged me to focus, massaged my hands and applied counterpressure to my back and hips.

Despite our best efforts, the pain was unrelenting and I wasn’t progressing fast enough to feel like this was a good idea anymore.  Fortunately, the anesthesiologist was already in the hallway and came immediately.  Unfortunately, it took a good hour and a half before I felt any relief.  I was lying on my side, trying to relieve the pain shooting into my left hip and pelvic bones while breathing through the contractions.  But the initial placement was wrong and he had to try again.  Eventually it was placed and I had to move to my back.  The first dose gave no relief, and then something about it had to be adjusted again.  Meanwhile, I was a mess.  Part of me resenting getting the epidural because the contractions were just as intense, maybe more, but now I was stuck in my least favorite laboring position.  The anesthesiologist suggested it was because the labor was going so fast the epidural couldn’t catch up but in my head I was convinced I wouldn’t progress that fast.  Husband tried to keep me focused and breathing.  I could feel myself thrashing and fighting for control, disappointed that I couldn’t focus.  Eventually the relief kicked in, the pain lessened.  I could still feel the pressure of each contraction, especially up into my ribs because now I was on my back, and still present into my joints.  Doc checked me again, I was fully dilated and effaced.  This was a shock to me.  During the hour and a half it took for the epidural to be placed and become effective, I had progressed in record time.  Now it suddenly made sense—I had even told husband and the nurse that I know it had never been this intense until transition before.  In retrospect, turn out it was transition.  Part of me feels like if I had known I was already in transition, I could have managed those contractions better—with a different expectation, commitment and focus.  Or perhaps it was getting the epidural that allowed me to finally progress—and at breakneck speed.  Either way, I was now comfortable, fully dilated and completely exhausted.  So we agreed to let me rest for an hour, giving him time to descend, before pushing.  

During that time, we talked through how pushing would work now that I couldn’t feel my legs and I had to admit I was disappointed I wouldn’t get to feel him engage and descend or get to be as active in the labor process—despite how overwhelmingly intense I know that to be.  But in retrospect, this was a really great experience.  Without the barely-clinging-to-control intensity, I was much more aware of all the dynamics and the process.  My amazing husband helped coach me through pushing, practicing through several contractions when suddenly the nurse declared we had to stop and wait—he had crowned!  I could see his dark hair! Doc had been going back and forth between my room and the clinic and quickly hurried back and readied.  A few contractions later, at 6:20 pm, he was here!  I got to hold him immediately and help smooth in the vernex. We had requested a delay before clamping the cord and doc had walked us through the advantages of it.  Husband got to cut the cord and I cuddled our boy as the placenta was delivered and doc stitched up the 2^nd degree tear.  His beautiful face was so puffy and covered in baby goo that for the first few moments he looked at us through only one eye, skeptically appraising us.  The nurse showed us the placenta (perhaps a little odd but husband and I are both fascinated by all things medical and I really liked that I was able to take in all these aspects that I have previously been too overwhelmed to see).  He nursed almost immediately and I love how long I got to hold him (with the girls, I only got a few minutes before showing signs of shock and started to shake uncontrollably).

Later I asked the nurse to explain to me again what happened—why this birth felt so different.  We thought maybe he was face up, instead of the usual facedown that my body is built for.  But that actually wasn’t the case.  As he was born, the doc could see that his arm was up and the cord was wrapped around him.  So instead of presenting head first, he was trying to birth his head and shoulder at the same time.  My pelvic bones likely separated, not really a broken bone but torn ligaments that will take a few weeks to fully heal.  The bones are designed to ease the baby through but not separate like this.  Also, his head measures 42 cm—one of the nurses commented that was the largest she had seen.  They even double checked it.  By the next day, that measurement had reduced though so it seems the bones shifted because of the misaligned presentation.  Regardless, he looks perfect.

The nurses took him to weigh and measure him, 8 lb 15.5 oz and 22 inches long.  Initially he was dark purple but recovered quickly and had no problems breathing.  His dark hair is curly, and he has beautifully long hands.  His eye color is hard to identify, so far they appear dark gray with blue or green depending on the light.  His skin is a darker color; he actually looks most like his sister A.

The nurses barely had him clean before our room became a party.  Grandpa was waiting outside with sisters plus two of the aunties and an uncle who thoughtfully brought dinner and birthday cake!  The girls were instantly in love with him and took turns climbing onto my bed to hold him and cuddle.  We announced his name and they declared it perfect.

Eventually our party tapered off and the nurses returned to give instructions and help me get cleaned up and take care of the baby.  Husband helped us settle in for the night and then had to go home and spend the night with the girls.  Baby and I spent our first night together, nursing often and cuddling constantly as we would soon learn he hates being in a crib. 

The next morning Husband got the girls off to school and returned to the hospital just in time for another visitor, one of my friends and a talented photographer who got some great newborn pictures for us.  We had a few more visitors through the day including sisters, my sister and Grammy.  Then Grammy stayed at our house so Husband could stay at the hospital with me and baby.

I absolutely love our time in the hospital.  It’s a perfect respite from the busyness of the world, an almost sacred time wholly devoted to getting to know our new son and lingering to the closeness of the birthing experience.  I am so completely in love with him and can’t get enough of his cuddles.

As we were getting ready to leave the hospital, Grammy told us that E had been sick all night.  So we stalled, waiting a few more hours hoping she would be feeling better.  When we finally arrived home the girls were ecstatic and L and A begged to hold him.  E cried and cried when we said she had to go all night without being sick first.  Finally I gave her a raffle ticket, telling her it was a special baby ticket that she could trade for a cuddle when she was feeling better.  She finally accepted that and clutched it all night until she traded it first thing the next morning.

This little boy is SO loved.

Especially by me.

he's almost here

Over the weekend, I had several precious moments stand out to me.  I watched little moments with my amazing husband and our girls, deeply appreciative of what a good daddy he is and what incredible, sweet children we have been blessed with.  I want to savor and remember these moments, especially the little simple things like the way they were concentrating on their lego construction or the way he moves easily in the kitchen making breakfast for all of us.  I love listening to him read to them at night or how he does so many little things for us without hesitation.

One evening we took the girls to the movie theatre to see “zootopia”.  Mostly the girls loved it.  Initially, A did not though.  My little animal lover declared she didn’t like the movie because they made the animals turn bad! Since then she has decided we should see it again.  But overall, it was a fun night.  They loved being surprised with a family date, loved climbing all over Daddy and devouring popcorn, loved me sneaking them chocolates as we watched the movie together and loved cuddling to go to bed after. 

We spent the weekend assembling baby gear (daddy was so patient with all the “help” he was getting), organizing the baby’s room, running errands and puttering around the house.  I kept hoping that the semi-regular contractions would eventually turn into something more productive but it didn’t happen.  So we attended the temple dedication, built legos and enjoyed the time with our girls.

I am so grateful for my husband, more than words can ever describe.  I really appreciate how involved he is with his family despite the heavy demands of his work schedule.  Especially lately, I appreciate how much he engages with his kids, initiating activities and involving them in projects.  As I became progressively less helpful in keeping up the house, he picked up the slack without hesitation.  More often than not, he comes home from work and jumps into fixing dinner or would make sure the kitchen was clean before coming to bed.  More and more, I’ve had trouble walking, especially by the end of the day and am generally uncomfortable.  I could never tell him enough how much I love and appreciate him.

I love when he puts the kids to bed at night.  We are into the third book by Laura Ingalls Wilder and the girls are loving it.  We read a chapter each night, followed by scriptures, vitamins, “happy n sads” and prayers.  Then he patiently tucks them all in.  Usually I sit with E for a few minutes, knowing she will settle down faster if I spend ten minutes of quiet time with her.  He sits with our big girls, often letting them read more scriptures outloud for a few minutes before settling down to sleep.  Oftentimes he falls asleep as he relaxes with him, resting a short time before he slips away.

The baby is still very active.  His movements are no longer flutters or a gentle sweeping but are deliberate stretches and are increasingly uncomfortable to me.  Between unreliable joints and sciatic nerve pain, I don’t trust my body very much right now and miss being able to move with confidence or play comfortably with my kids.  And yet I know I’ll miss this.  There’s simply nothing in the world quite like having a miracle moving inside of you.  I love the reassurance of life, the hints of their personality, the intimacy and closeness of not having to share them with anyone else just yet.  While some days feel agonizingly slow, I already know and resent how time will continue to march at the same pace and yet feel like its racing away.  In a week, he will already be a week old and never this tiny again.

I can’t wait to meet you little one.

quote of the day

E: Can we have a snack? Like bacon?

L's music festival

L participated in a music festival this last weekend.  She has been playing since January of last year, so her class were all entered as “level 0”, (first competition/1 year of lessons).  She entered in 5 categories and has been practicing every day.  Unfortunately last week she became very sick with strep throat and a virus.  She spent all of Sunday, Monday and Tuesday as a big sad puddle on the couch.  By Wednesday I bribed her to practice again but she really hasn’t had energy to do much.  She had missed school, dance and even piano lesson where she could have had some last minute fine tuning with her teacher.  Friday afternoon, I picked her up from school and she was immediately grouchy, not the best start.  But we arrived at the festival, got her dressed up and found her duet partner for a quick practice.  Her first of five pieces was scheduled as the third song of the festival.  The hard part of this was that we didn’t know what to expect and even the judges and coordinators were still getting organized.  So it was a little rough and may have frazzled her nerves.  Her first piece was her duet, “Family Dream”, by Neil Moore.  The girls were silly and distracted so not particularly professional as they waited their turn but finally got to sit down to play and preformed well.  They did have one mistake which L quickly directly the correction so it was a smooth recovery.  After that she thanked her friend and waited for her second entry.  We found her piano teacher minutes before and that was a huge help.  I think it helped her settle down, plus her second piece was to play an accompaniment and I was losing my voice (having caught the same virus).  So her teacher readily agreed to be the singer and L did wonderfully playing “Amazing Grace”.

After we left the festival, L admitted she hadn’t been able to each much at lunch and she was near tears again as she still didn’t feel good.  (which explains why she was so grumpy!)  So we got some dinner and then spent the evening at a dance performance (she had fun with her dance friends but I’m sure it just wore her out further).

Saturday morning she got to sleep in while husband and I went on a date (so grateful for my mom who was there to support her at the festival and didn’t mind babysitting too!)  By noon we were at the festival again and had a much better experience.  Instead of bringing the kids in one at a time, they were assigned to groups and were able to be an audience for each other.  I think this really helped them stay professional rather than get silly or nervous as they killed time in the hallway.  Plus it was much more of an engaging, musical experience.  She played “Ode to Joy” as her classical selection (flawlessly!), “Night Storm” as her contemporary piece and got to save her favorite for last: “Alma Mater Blues”, her jazz piece.  She played wonderfully and I was so proud.

After the festival we drove down to the Salt Lake Temple and spent an hour taking pictures of her for baptism announcements.  She looked like a beautiful princess and was so happy.  She loved seeing all the brides and got many compliments and congratulations.  Despite the cold and some wind, we got some great pictures and I think she had a lot of fun.

From there, we went to a nail salon.  L had set a goal of practicing piano 30 days straight as well as breaking the habit of biting her nails.  Having been successful in both endeavors, her reward was a professional manicure.  She was pretty excited and I could hear her giggling through it.  In the end, it wasn’t quite what she wanted but decided she liked the flower embellishments on her sparkly red nails anyway.  (meanwhile I now have pretty sparkly blue toes in honor of the boy to arrive soon)

The plan at this point was a quick dinner and then back to the festival for the awards ceremony.  But L was fading fast, burned out from a busy day and probably still a little sick.  The day had been fun but demanding of her.  We got some soup for dinner and headed home for a movie and a cuddle.  She missed the festival awards ceremony but even just trying to convince her to put her dress clothes back on made her cry in frustration and fatigue.  I talked to her teacher and she understood, offering to pick up her awards for her.  It would have been fun, and she loved attending the kick off concert on Thursday but she was so tired she would have been miserable sitting through the “best of” performances (which I knew she wasn’t eligible for anyway).  Her teacher texted me later that night with a congratulations for her, she earned “superior” in all five categories!