Quote of the day

My mom was watching little Miss E for me. She was helping E down from her car seat and E said "you may help her majesty down now. "


Shortly after, "let's make mac & cheese as a surprise for mom! She won't make it because she doesn't like the ingredients."

feeling the loss

last night we watched Dragons 2 and when it got to the part where (spoiler alert) the dad dies, our sweet little L broke down crying.  She's typically very sensitive and emotional but it still came as a surprise to see how strongly she reacted.  She was sobbing and curled into her daddy.

Shortly after we were getting them into bed and she began to cry again.  When asked, she said she just missed Grandma.  We cuddled and talked and cried together for awhile. 

There's a picture on their dresser of Grandma and Grandpa and the girls.  I actually don't like the picture because the kids were poorly positioned.  They're kind of hunched and crowded into a corner, rather than sharing the space.  But it is a really good picture of mom so it stays on their dresser.  I was looking at this picture and thinking about how young and healthy and happy she looks.  It's still such a shock that she's already gone.


I was talking to some close friends today, about grief and depression, as they have lost close family members too.  He reflected that when you lose a loved one, there isn't a set period of grief.  It's not like there's a loss, then a healing, and you simply move on.  But instead, healing comes in layers and you slip back into routines and a "new normal" of reality.  But that the grief can resurface, sometimes without cause or warning, with every bit as much heartache.  Those painful moments are a part of the process but I'm not sure they will get any easier.  I don't know.  I've never felt a loss quite like this and thought I would be much older before I would.


A few weeks ago, my sister in law posted on facebook "sometimes the clouds clear just enough and all I can think is 'I really miss my mom.'"


Our day to day responsibilities require energy and attention.  The days are filled with chaos and busyness and the full range of emotions.  We have fun, we get stuff done, etc.  But it often comes to mind and the pangs hit deep: how can this be real?  I miss her.  And I hurt for the loss we will feel at every holiday, birthday, Sunday dinner, family picnic, dance recital and so much more.  My girls got cheated what could have been.  and I desperately hope that they will remember she was once very involved in their lives and loved them so much.

stuffed animals

I told E to take the pile of freshly laundered and folded clothes and put them away in her room.  She accepted the pile and disappeared.  Ten minutes later I called down the hall for her to get ready for bed.  Five minutes later, I repeated since she hadn't returned.  Five minutes later, she still hadn't returned.  So I walked to her room and entered, finding her sitting in the middle of her floor completely naked.  However, the 20 stuffed animals she had carefully lined up around her were all wearing newly laundered panties. 

quote of the day

I bought E a treat at the store.  The cashier handed it back to her and she said "Hot Diggity Dog! Thank you!"

spring break 2015

Once upon a time, we had a big family trip tentatively scheduled for Spring Break.  But when Grandma’s health slid downhill, it obviously wasn’t to be and we simply never really planned anything else instead.  And then when Spring Break finally rolled around, Husband was particularly swamped at work. 

So we played.

Easter was wonderful.  Lots of time with family and a truckload of chocolate.

On Monday I taught a class at the gym.  We spent the afternoon doing some organizing and playing at home.  Attended another gym class that night.  And then had a girls night sleepover.  L and A sprawled out on the air mattress, E made a bed on the couch and I settled into the recliner.  We watched movies, ate treats and stayed up late.

On Tuesday, I taught another class at the gym and then we headed north to my mom’s house.  We played through the day, dragging out toys and making a mess.  In the evening, we played in the hot tub and then watched Casper for a family movie night before the girls got to sleep in the bunkhouse.

On Wednesday, we played through the morning, met Papa for lunch at a local restaurant and then I left the girls with my parents and I left to spend the evening with my husband.  We went out for sushi, started our taxes and tried to get caught up on projects.

On Thursday, I taught a morning class and then drove down the canyon to meet Grammy and the girls for some shopping.  I took the girls to lunch while she went to an interview and then we headed south.  After a very long drive, a brief stop to run at McDonalds and lots of snacks/movies/books/arguments,  we arrived at my grandma’s house.  The girls were happy to be out of the car and excited to see their grandma-great.  A and E were particularly delighted to see grandma’s dogs and spent most of the evening playing with them.

Friday morning we did a little shopping around town.  Then I went with Grandma Great to her water aerobics class and filled in for their usual instructor.  The women were fun and so sweet.  We had a late lunch and one of our favorite places in town at a pizza buffet.  The girls especially loved it, A ate even more than I did!  And then after lunch we eventually packed and the girls and I headed out again to join husband’s side of the family for a weekend campout.

We arrived at the camp and the girls were thrilled to see their cousins.  We lounged around in their camp for a short while until husband and Grandpa arrived with our trailer.  We set up camp, had dinner, explored a little, roasted s’mores and stayed up late to play.

Saturday was so fun.  After breakfast we took the girls on a short hike to find dinosaur tracks.  They were happy and content to just play in camp too, especially to play in our trailer claiming it as their clubhouse.  The men took the two youngest to run an errand in the afternoon while my sister in law and I kept the older kids.  We did a craft, had snacks, played board games, explored the creek and best of all, just lounged around chatting while the kids played in the trailer.  We had a few mishaps.  L suffered some roadrash when she slipped on rocks playing hide and seek.  And A gave us a really good scare when she grabbed the hot end of a skewer fresh out of the fire that instantly burned and blistered.  But the trip overall was fantastic.

Sunday morning we slept in a little and enjoyed breakfast before going out on a family hike.  It was only a mile in through some canyons to some water ponds (plenty long for the kids).  The kids loved playing on the rocks, scrambling around like agile goats and imagining up all kind of stories.  After lunch I got out another activity that turned out to be a hit.  They were candy legos and its hard to say who enjoyed them most, the kids or the men.  We lingered around camp for awhile and eventually said goodbye.  We picked up Grammy and headed home again with piles of laundry do to, some very dirty but happy kids to wash and a very worn out mom.  

milestones 7, 5.5, 3.5

(Questions were answered by the girls.  Paragraphs are my commentary.)

L, age 7

Favorite color: red and pink

Favorite food: pizza, buffalo, salmon, cucumbers, strawberries

Favorite treat: suckers, chocolate cake and ice cream

Favorite movies: Miss Congeniality, Princess Diaries, Frozen, Cinderella Story

Her princess: Elsa and Belle

Favorite activities: “make stuff”, puzzles, reading, board games, dance

Favorite toys: Belle doll, barbies, legos

What I want to be when I grow up: teacher

Recently: mastered her bicycle without 2 wheels (living on a busy street, you haven’t gotten to ride much because I insist on being outside with you.  But you took to it like a fish takes to water!)

I can’t believe how fast you are growing.  It’s so exciting and so fun to see you discover the world and who you will become.  I love and look forward to each new milestone.  You’re bright and talented.  You want to try everything but get so frustrated if something doesn’t come easily.  You’re so very sensitive and emotional and wear your heart on your sleeve.  I worry how you crave approval and I pray for patience, knowing that if I react too harshly, it hurts you deeply.  I love that you want to help and that you want to make others happy.  You’re the first to offer a hug or to keep me company.  You’re such a good big sister, trying to include the little girls, teaching them and frequently doing most of the clean up work.  I appreciate you SO much.  At the recent parent teacher conference, your report card showed you performing well above age level in nearly every tested area.  Your teachers comment that you are very intelligent, quick to learn and a great help in class.  Hearing you read or play piano makes my heart soar, I’m so proud of your growth and your eagerness to develop these talents.  You are a gifted dancer with long graceful extensions, natural rhythm and I love that you throw yourself into it wholeheartedly.  You are affectionate, sincere, beautiful, sweet and passionate about life.

A, age 5 ½

Favorite color: “rainbow” (usually pink and purple)

Favorite food: ramen, spaghetti, eggs

Favorite treat: Hershey’s bar

Favorite movies: Ninja Turtles, Night at the Museum, Lizzie Maguire, Camp Rock, Jumangi 

Her princess: Rapunzel.  And Tiana.  And Anna.

Favorite activities: playdates with friends, crafts/art, playing the wii

Favorite toys: legos, magiclip princesses

What I want to be when I grow up: vet

Recently: today you lost your first tooth while biting into an apple.  I didn’t even know it was loose!  You’re growing fast and it’s sneaking up on me.

You keep me on my toes!  You are independent and brilliant.  You race around a million miles a minute, eager to conquer everything all at once.  However, you get frustrated SO easily and struggle to express yourself, forgetting to use words and resorting to shrieking or running off to your room.  You are SO stubborn.  While it’s difficult for me, I think that you are powerful and once your mind is made up, you will accomplish such great things.  Your unique sense of fashion makes me smile and your imagination regularly astounds me.  You are so creative and your play becomes so real to you.  I love listening to you play, describing details and directing everyone else.  You can get anyone to play with you.  You’re always the ring leader and are at the heart of every activity.    You are so creative, drawn to puzzles and art projects and especially building things like wood crafts and legos, paying careful attention to structure and patterns.  Your face is so expressive and your features are exquisite. 

E, age 3 ½

Favorite color: blue and pink

Favorite food: chicken nuggets, ramen, French fries, mac and cheese

Favorite treat: candy

Favorite movies: Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, Sofia the First, Monsters University, Tangled

Her princess: Sofia, Cinderella

Favorite activities: “play games with daddy” (board games), help mom cook

Favorite toys: stuffed animals, Minnie Mouse figures

What I want to be when I grow up: a mom

My littlest sweetheart, I am so not ready for you to grow up.  I love getting to spend so much time with you and getting the chance to enjoy each phase.  You are mischievous and delightful.  You are often the instigator and the one responsible for getting your sisters wound up.  You are so full of energy, constantly running and bouncing in a way that is both obnoxious and adorable.  In fact, sometimes I’ll notice that you are literally running in circles just to keep yourself awake and if I can get you to hold still, you fall asleep in minutes.  I love listening to you play, especially with your stuffed animals or dolls, so very involved and completely in your own world.  You have a strong personality and strong opinions on everything from your outfit to the order in which you eat lunch to how a game is played.  And stubborn!  You still regularly have unreasonable-refuse-to-listen tantrums that we are working through.  And it drives me crazy that you try to change clothes multiple times a day.  Or better yet, undress and hide your clothes hoping that you can just wear pajamas or dressups all day.  And yet you are sweet.  You are so fun to hold and cuddle and I love your sweet little kisses.  More often than not, you sneak into our bed during the early morning and will go back to sleep for another hour or two and I cherish that time to cuddle.  You are incredibly articulate and creative, with a vocabulary far beyond average for your age.  Your big eyes are SO beautiful and your smile lights up the whole world.

General schedule
L’s alarm clock goes off at 7:15.  She stumbles around for awhile and gets to the piano bench about 7:30 to practice.  I love waking up to the sound of her playing.  A and E drift awake and we drift from sleepiness to general chaos.  L hurries to get ready for school and is on the bus by 8:10.  A and E finish getting ready and we go to preschool/gym by 9.  Except Wednesdays.  Lately on Wednesday we tend to be lazy and stay home all morning.  Sometimes I get really motivated and do the bulk of my cleaning then.  But usually we just play with toys.  Or bake cookies.  We usually eat around 11:30 and I try to talk them into a quiet time movie (usually more for my sanity than theirs). 

Monday is our favorite day for playdates or field trips since L is out early from school.

Tuesdays I usually babysit through the afternoon.  When L gets home from school, I leave the little girls with my mom or a friend and take L to piano lessons.  Tuesday night is usually Relief Society/Bunko or a movie night.

Wednesday is a playday.  L gets home from school and the girls get to play together.  Dinner is early and A has tumbling in the evening.

Thursday is crazy.  A has art class, L has two dance classes, I teach an evening class at the gym and typically Grandpa is in charge of dinner.

And then I always look forward to the weekend for whatever crazy adventure we have planned.

Easter

I LOVE Easter. 

This year Easter started on early Saturday morning.  I didn’t sleep well, my mind racing with every thing I needed to do and I was eager to get moving and quell my nervousness.  You see, I coordinate the neighborhood Egg Hunt.  It’s something I completely volunteer for but thoroughly enjoy doing.  I did it last year for the first time and heard it went sensationally well.  Ironically I wasn’t there.  I planned it and then the night before, dropped everything off to friends and headed out for a funeral.  So I was really glad that this year, I got to enjoy the whole process.  I collected donations and hosted a mini girls-night/egg-filling party.  We spent three hours talking and filling eggs which was actually a lot of fun.  We got a TON of donations.  At least 50% more than last year.  So much in fact that we ran out of eggs twice and I finally decided to buy the rest of the candy back and save it for other projects.  On Saturday morning we taped off the sections (Husband arrived just in time to help having been gone the whole week) and scattered hundreds of eggs across our spacious park and grassy field.  I got the prize table set up and my mom and friend settled in to run it.  And then at the magic appointed hour, we turned the kids lose and then swept across the field, collecting 10-16ish eggs each.  They got SO much loot.

We returned home and settled in to watch the first session of conference.   The girls were thrilled to play “conference cups” again and it works amazingly well to hold their interest.  (A dozen red solo cups, each labeled with a key word and filled with treats as a reward if they listen as hear that keyword.)  Meanwhile I filled egg shells again in preparation to be joined by cousins! My brother brought his six kids to visit and we loved having them here.  He’s getting divorced and while that breaks my heart, I’m so glad to get to spend time with him and the kids.  We had a big barbeque in the backyard, watched conference (his kids loved conference cups too!), did an egg hunt and dyed eggs.  Mom and I put together a traditional dinner just as the men headed out for the evening Priesthood session of conference so we ate without them and then played into the evening until bedtime.

On Sunday morning, the kids played for awhile as all the adults stumbled into wakefulness.  Then they came downstairs together and discovered their baskets.  My girls loved their new books, chocolate bunnies and treats.  We feasted on pancakes and watched another session of conference, during which I slipped away to begin making rolls.  We had a quick lunch together and then everyone headed out.

We left, picking up Grandpa on our way and stopping briefly at the cemetery.  Grandma bought Easter lilies every year so Grandpa continued the tradition, bringing us an Easter lily as well as taking one to the cemetery for mom’s grave.  We headed north together, leaving another lily at his mom’s grave and then arriving at the aunties’ house to join in the fun.  The kids raced off to play with cousins and investigate the toy room.  Husband and I puttered around, visiting and helping out where we could.  I brought a billion homemade rolls to share.  Of all the amazing food Mom used to make, her rolls are legendary and she brought them for every special occasion.  So I offered to bring them and probably stressed more than I should have to make them perfect.  And truthfully, even if they were the exact same, I probably would have still felt the little twinge of disappointment.  But they were so good and we were glad to share (even if I made way too many).  I also brought stuff for one more egg hunt, which we hid rather well and ended up taking the kids longer than anticipated.  And then we feasted with our crazy wonderful family.  We talked and laughed and reminisced and ate until we were stuffed.  And finally headed home. 

quote of the day

While at her yearly check up, the doc asked L if she plays any sports.  She responded, "um.  I dance.  and math."

That's my cute little nerd.



Me: "It's Spring Break.  Want to go somewhere special today?"
A: "Yes! Paris! or um! um! Costco!"



E: "Grammy! Once I kissed a frog!  And he turned into..... (long pause) ....a frog!  Oh no! Someone stole my true love!"



And E finally gave her pet (stuffed) horse a name: Botticelli.  yes, like the artist.  no, I have no idea where she heard it.

L's birthday

Part 1 of birthday extravaganza was celebrated with family.  I was still at the scrapbook expo with my mom and sisters for our annual retreat so unfortunately I missed the morning of her birthday.  But husband brought all three girls to meet us for lunch at IHop, one of her favorite restaurants.  We were joined by Papa and cousins to make a rather noisy group.  The cousins were thrilled to see each other and spent the first little while racing around outside collecting flowers and hugging each other with such enthusiasm that they may have knocked each other over.  Repeatedly.

The kids all ordered an assortment of pancakes and rounds of chocolate milk which they were required to eat before the two birthday girls could dive into their presents.  (One of my nieces had a birthday a few days before.)  Soon we cleared the table and L opened her gifts from Grammy n Papa and me and Husband: books, clothes, games and crafts, mostly Elsa themed.  The hit of the day was opening the largest box from Grammy which held a new princess gown for each birthday girl.  L’s dress was styled after Elsa (she in particular loved the new shoes to match) and her cousin got a new Cinderella dress.  

From lunch we hurried over to the movie theatre to see the new Cinderella movie.  I got to cuddle little E for most of the movie and husband and the girls piled around me devouring popcorn.  We were even joined by one of L’s best friends.  The girls loved the movie, and especially loved “Frozen Fever”, the Elsa short cartoon shown as part of the previews.

After the movie we lingered in the lobby, the girls explored the arcade and the adults talked awhile.  Then Grammy took the two little girls home while Husband and I got some one-on-one time with our birthday girl.  We drove up to visit the aunties and ended up spending the evening there, bbq and hanging out with family.  Then we enjoyed the long drive home chatting with L.

On Monday, the birthday shenanigans continued.  Daddy couldn’t be there because of work but Grammy spent the whole day with us and even Grandpa joined us for the party.  She invited several friends over for an Elsa party after school.   After helping to put the finishing touches on her Elsa cake (rock candy crystals to fashion a palace and toy figures), the girls were thrilled to don costumes (L was Elsa, A was Snow White and E was Sofia) and eagerly greeted their guests.  They started into the activities L had planned: cutting out paper snowflakes and playing pin-the-nose-on-Olaf.  I dusted their cheeks with glitter frost and then the doorbell rang with a surprise visitor.  L was surprised and thrilled and there was a chorus of squealing and shrieking as they greeted Elsa at the door.  Elsa greeted all the girls, enjoying their excitement and then posing for a picture with each of them.  She crowned L with a delicate tiara and then settled in to make bracelets with all the kids.  Their favorite parts was the way she created little snowflake beads, one of each girl, so creatively, rubbing her hands together and blowing into them as if using her frost magic.  They played “name that tune”, devoured pizza and veggies and delighted over her birthday cake.  Elsa even stayed through opening presents and had dessert with the girls.  She was so much fun to have celebrating with us and I think L was absolutely in heaven.

Eventually her guests drifted away.  We changed into pajamas, made popcorn and watched Frozen before sending our happy little princesses to bed.