feeling the loss

last night we watched Dragons 2 and when it got to the part where (spoiler alert) the dad dies, our sweet little L broke down crying.  She's typically very sensitive and emotional but it still came as a surprise to see how strongly she reacted.  She was sobbing and curled into her daddy.

Shortly after we were getting them into bed and she began to cry again.  When asked, she said she just missed Grandma.  We cuddled and talked and cried together for awhile. 

There's a picture on their dresser of Grandma and Grandpa and the girls.  I actually don't like the picture because the kids were poorly positioned.  They're kind of hunched and crowded into a corner, rather than sharing the space.  But it is a really good picture of mom so it stays on their dresser.  I was looking at this picture and thinking about how young and healthy and happy she looks.  It's still such a shock that she's already gone.


I was talking to some close friends today, about grief and depression, as they have lost close family members too.  He reflected that when you lose a loved one, there isn't a set period of grief.  It's not like there's a loss, then a healing, and you simply move on.  But instead, healing comes in layers and you slip back into routines and a "new normal" of reality.  But that the grief can resurface, sometimes without cause or warning, with every bit as much heartache.  Those painful moments are a part of the process but I'm not sure they will get any easier.  I don't know.  I've never felt a loss quite like this and thought I would be much older before I would.


A few weeks ago, my sister in law posted on facebook "sometimes the clouds clear just enough and all I can think is 'I really miss my mom.'"


Our day to day responsibilities require energy and attention.  The days are filled with chaos and busyness and the full range of emotions.  We have fun, we get stuff done, etc.  But it often comes to mind and the pangs hit deep: how can this be real?  I miss her.  And I hurt for the loss we will feel at every holiday, birthday, Sunday dinner, family picnic, dance recital and so much more.  My girls got cheated what could have been.  and I desperately hope that they will remember she was once very involved in their lives and loved them so much.