journal rambling

sometimes thoughts roll around in my head so this is me, dumping out these disconnected, rambling thoughts.

I've reached a point in life where I've become more selfish and it prompts a whole new chain of thought and way of thinking. selfish because maybe my house isn't as clean, etc. but I'm purposefully taking more time for myself such as going to the gym everyday (at first because it did wonders for my anxiety, but now I'm kind of addicted and further motivated by the slow but satisfying results. granted, I'm also not working outside the home anymore and that makes a huge difference--not just in time but in stress level. I'm also reading more, working it into naptime or after the girls are in bed and I'm focusing my reading on things that I hope will make me a better person/parent/spouse. I like pleasure reading too, novels that are easy to read and uplifting but I'm trying to challenge myself more too (when I can emotionally afford it). And all of this effort gets me thinking about how we choose the kind of person we want to be. I'm bothered by people who simply let life happen to them, the "have to work to pay bills and spend the rest of the time lounging around in recovery and waiting for the next day to roll around". Let's be better than that! Let's have fun with our kids, be better neighbors and friends, spend time enriching our marriages, dedicate ourselves to fitness and educational goals.

arm chair parenting drives me nuts. realizing this, makes me more aware of when I fall into that trap too. It's especially easy when I have to hold/nurse the baby but my other kids are doing something that requires me to yell over to them. It's not the effective, proactive, one-on-one with love kind of parenting that I want to do. And when there are multiple families together and multiple parents doing it, it really creates a feeling of anxiety and discontent and frustration.

In the finances class, Dave Ramsey mentions several times, the idea that to be rich, do what rich people do. To be wise, do what wise people do. This means if you want a good marriage, talk to people who have been happily married for fifty years. Because I want to look like them, I've been asking the trainer and teachers at the gym questions about their fitness regime, their calorie intake. Because I want to be a better person, I read books about developing better habits. I want to be more spiritually knowledgeable so I read more, listen more attentively in Sunday School, talk to my dad and ask more questions. I want to be a better parents so I ask my parents, my husband's parents and other admirable parents what they recommend. Sometimes acknowledging what you want to do better makes you realize how far you have to go but I'm an eternal work in progress.

I've had some great spiritual epiphanies lately. Usually things I've heard before but it's finally the right phrasing, right moment and right context that drives the point into my heart. The idea that everything we learn in this life, follows us to the next. Everything I've ever read and studied but perhaps forgot or didn't understand, will be remembered and understood with perfect clarity (good motivation to keep trying even when I'm struggling). Our addictions and weaknesses will follow us too--except that then we won't be able to physically satisfy them and our hell will be exactly that--the craving with no way to satisfy it. Another idea that furthers my understanding of God's commandments, instructions that are for our growth, not His. We pay tithing not because the value of money but because we need to learn to be giving, generous people, like Him. That we pray and voice thoughts that He already knows (He knows our hearts after all) but we pray and voice them because we need to admit them, to own them and emotionally digest them by doing so.

I always hated the well intentioned but condescending "oh this must be your first child" and "you'll relax when it's not your first". We were so careful with our first because it's what we wanted to do to feel like we were being good parents. I wish we could be that careful with each! but more kids is more demanding on your time and abilities and as a parent, you do find the boundaries you're more comfortable with and parenting gets a little more relaxed as you get a little more relaxed. Still, each couple should do whatever they feel their child needs without having to suffer that condescension. But here's my new insight...I'm jealous. I LOVE my kids. But I miss just having one and the energy/excitement that prompted such diligence. I miss that one-on-one and simplicity of just one. It didn't seem simple at the time but it retrospect, one less kid was always easier than one more. But each kid is a whole new wealth of love and blessings and chaotic fun so of course I wouldn't change anything, but I wonder if those remarks are sometimes prompted by jealousy.

When I started as a freshman in college, there was another girl in my dorm that intimidated me. Well, more than one. But this particular girl intimidated me because she was just like me. We looked similar, had similar personalities, worked at the same place and were both in the theater department. But the problem was my perception of her being just like me, but a little bit better. For example, she was shorter than me and had a stronger dance background than me which probably helped her in landing the theatrical roles I wanted (we were both in the chorus so acting didn't really matter but shorter is easier to partner). Now that I write this, it seems dumb but at the time I felt we were so alike and yet, I envied her because of social circumstances or school achievements. I was jealous. But I had my own experiences and had a blast. Years later, I find similar situations where I meet people that are similar to me, but I perceive them as being just a bit better--prettier, more educated, more experienced, more talented. I still have a shallow twinge of envy but more and more, I want to get to know them, perhaps we could be great friends.

I have some friends that I really miss. We've drifted apart as we each graduated college, moved and started families. Some friends, I can pick up the phone for the first time in months and it seems not a second has passed as we pour our hearts out. Others, I call and text and email but I feel like I'm fighting for a spot in their lives and it goes rather unnoticed. (wow, I sound whiny). But I miss these friends who are busy in their own exciting lives. I hope they are happy and doing well and know that I love them and am thinking of them. I know that friendships change as our lives progress but the fading of some relationships are hard to take and even harder when it feels like the reluctance is one sided.

It makes me uncomfortable when people complain about money. And most of them probably don't realize they are doing it since they'd realize how awkward it is. Comments like "we don't have money for that" or "yeah but we could never afford it". But it's all in a person's habits too. We choose what to spend our money on, whether it be eating out, paying for entertainment, travel, video games, collecting stuff, expensive toys, etc. And each person is perfectly entitled to that. We work hard for our money and we should get to enjoy it. But we should avoid comparing our financial situation to another. Taking the finances class (and now coordinating it) makes me feel even more that money is what we make it and it takes discipline.

Similarly but on a more broad scope, we never know what another situation is. It's been suggested (by different people) that my family has the fairy tale. And my life is good! My kids are pretty amazing and my husband might secretly be superman but our life isn't perfect. But then again, I try not to be the kind of person to complain. So I thank them for the compliments and nod through their ramblings about what they wish they could change or what bothers them, sometimes secretly wishing I could admit that I'm jealous of them too, maybe their talents, their husband's comparatively shorter work hours, a less stressful situation, the time they get with extended family, the one-on-one time with their kids, the opportunities they have, etc. But then again, the grass is always greener and we all have our own trials and experiences. Make the best of what you have and love what you've got!