silly, isn't it?
I'm not trying to be SuperMom or Workout Barbie or any of the other characters that I seem to see all around me. No doubt they have their struggles too but I can't help to wonder how they do everything that they seem to do so well.
But I have moments, more often than I'd like, were I just feel like it's all so much less than I want it to be. My dark side comes out and criticizes, I'm not patient enough, not diligent enough, not doing enough. The long list of things I wanted to do, or habits I want to cultivate are being neglected. Things like, cleaning the house and reading the classics, they're both of the list but I let those go more easily. The ones I struggle with is knowing that I didn't turn out to be the kind of mom I hoped. I lose my temper, I yelled over something stupid, I wasn't as patient as I should have been, I missed (or worse, ignored) an opportunity to teach/build/help/love/appreciate my child. I feel exhausted and overwhelmed and have nothing left to offer when Husband comes home. I feel shallow and selfish and insecure. I beat myself up over something I may have said or did, wondering and wishing about how it should have been different. Insecurity and self doubt hang on me, making me wonder about this version of myself. It's my own Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde except instead of rage, the dark side is depressed, shallow, depleted and lacking. I feel disappointed and empty and I ache.
I want to be a better mom. More loving, more patience, more creative. I want to fill their day with things to challenge and teach and entertain. I want to build them up, protect them and help them reach their potential. I want to be a better wife. I want to be supportive and loving and positive and encouraging. I want our home to be a haven, both in appearance and spirit. It needs to be clean and inviting, relaxing and refreshing. I want to be a good person, generous and encouraging and confident. I want to be knowledgeable and talented and have strength and depth of character.
Mr. Hyde lurks in the corners, whispering doubt, stealing away the happy, confident spirit in the air. He waits for the moment, when I impatiently snap at the kids or at the end of a rough day when I let my shoulders drag, thinking and berating. Depression creeps in and I pile the weight on myself.
But sometimes, I can stop. And then I think, this is not who I am.
And when I can remember that, when I can tell myself that, the world is a better place. I know who Hyde really is. The discouragement and the darkness are very real, very powerful but I know where to turn. It's the Light and the Peace that whisper, "you are enough".
I will become those things that I want to be. Maybe there were moments today that were not my best. But if I let them go, tomorrow is a new day, a better day. I sneak into my kids rooms, kiss them good night again, whisper the things I need to say and slip away.
I am enough. I'm doing enough.
In reading that silly little post-it, I feel refreshed. I feel renewed and empowered. I give myself permission to accept life and myself.
Life is so good. and I am so blessed.
