My happy today was L's dance performance. On Monday, we were told of this last-minute opportunity to preform and I'm pressed with her team coach, the moms and the dancers for pulling it off. A neighboring community has a Fright Night at the high school. They go all out, decorating, dressing up and putting on a cabaret. So L's team preformed as part of it dressed as little devils. It was super cute. E sat next to me, loving every minute. She announced very loudly after each number how much she loved it and named off her favorite parts. Except the cheerleader's skeleton dance, that she declared she did not like AT ALL. I'm pretty sure at least half the auditorium heard her. L had a great time and was especially thrilled that she got to stay and watch the rest of the show with one of her dance friends.
My sad was that despite having a really good day, I lost my cool and yelled at my kids. Z had been crying for half an hour and then was too upset to eat and too upset to nurse. I frantically tried to calm him, nurse him, rock him and finally heat up a bottle--during which the girls were getting hungry and grumpy and starting to bicker. We made it through a late dinner but the bedtime routine was a trainwreck and then I discovered the disaster state of their rooms. And I yelled at my babies. Irrationally, overreacting yelling. Eventually we decompressed a little. I apologized, I tried to explain where and how I needed more help, tried to listen to their reasonings, etc. But it was still one of those nights where I went to bed feeling awful about myself, berating everything from my parenting to housekeeping to general self-consciousness. But hopefully, if I smother them with enough love and security the rest of the time, those awful moments fade quickly and at the end of the day, they will know that more than anything, I love those crazy monsters and that I'm trying to be a good mom. As hard as this is, I wouldn't change a thing.
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